The Queen’s Honour List


Topping the Queen’s honour list today was Bruce Forsyth who will receive a knighthood from her majesty. I can only assume it was for his resilience in refusing to retire from our television screens in a career spanning roughly 70 years. I wonder if his jokes were ever funny? His most recent activity is his job hosting the hit BBC show Strictly Come Dancing, if that had anything to do with Queenie’s decision then co-host Tess Daly should also receive some recognition too, for the ability to laugh at the old man, albeit through gritted teeth. “It’s nice to see you… to see you nice”; he calls it a catchphrase, I call it a lack of originality, and an inability to produce new material. It’s one dimensional to say the least; imagine if hit comedian Michael McIntyre danced around the stage camply at every gig. Oh wait…

Andrew Strauss and Allistair Cook were also awarded with an MBE and a OBE respectively, for their part in the victorious Ashes campaign down under. But let’s be honest who needs such awards when you have a small urn filled with old, burnt wood. Thanks… but no thanks your majesty. Ricky Ponting should get one for captaining the Australia side so terribly, and picking Ben Hilfenhaus and Xavier Doherty when he was under pressure to win.

Among the non-famous receivers are,‘Beverley De-Gale, who set up a charity to attract bone marrow donors from ethnic minorities after her son developed leukaemia. She is appointed an OBE…[and]Ex-soldier David Stuttard, 65, set up an organisation that has improved water sanitation in parts of Ghana and given 50,000 people access to clean water. He becomes an MBE.’ And a dinner lady, who has been recognized for her services  to lunch-time supervision after a 30 year career at the same school. Wow. I can’t quite comprehend how that is MBE worthy; a 5 days a week, 1 hour a day job. In a 40 week school year she has worked a grand total of 200 hours, and in her 30 year career, 6000 hours. If you compare it to a 5 days a week, 7 hours a day job with say, 5 weeks holiday a year, which takes up 1645 hours a year, and over a 30 year period,  49,350 hours. She has had a sweet deal. ‘I’ve worked more times than you’ve had hot dinners’… actually, probably not.

Robert Mugabe received a knighthood in 1994, but don’t worry, Gaddafi’s name is not featured on 2011’s list. Although the current list doesn’t show any signs of decorating any future maniacal dictators (or present for that matter) you simply don’t know. There’s still life in Sir Bruce yet.

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Giggs issues new super-injunction preventing news of Champions League defeat being published


Ryan Giggs has now come to the realization that he is not James Bond. Bond never said, “I Do”.

Although this headline may not be true; like the Imogen Thomas affair, it seems ridiculous to prevent the public knowing about a note-worthy achievement any man (footballer) would be proud of. Like United, who were defenceless to stop the elegant, yet potent onslaught at the feet of the Catalan giants, Giggs could do nothing to stop the relentless onslaught of virtual chirping at the fingertips of over 75,000 Twitter users revealing the information a court-passed super-injunction had aimed to prevent from going public. Super-injunctions are an encroachment on the right to freedom of speech, according to journalists (with the exception of Andrew Marr who’s show should be renamed, “The Andrew Marr(ed reputation owing to his gagging order) Show”). Yet to adulterers, lotharios and all-round scoundrels they are an essential organ, an extension of their deceitful being, allowing them to continue their roguish lifestyle.

Giggs was quite adamant that he wanted the details of the 75,000 tweeters passed onto the authorities, so that they could be brought to justice for breaching a court-order. Giggs’ grasp on the judicial, legal and incarceration system appear to parallel his grasp on marriage vows and oaths… But is this not what we have come to expect from this generation of footballers? They all earn too much money and are constantly in the media for partaking in scandalous activities. But Ryan Giggs, really? Isn’t he the reliable, committed, yoga-loving United legend? He is the Elizabeth I of football; married and devoted to United as Elizabeth was to England. His commitment to his club is quite extraordinary… to his wife not so much. Although, it may be expecting too much of a footballer to concentrate his focus and efforts on two things at once.

From the dark horse at the ‘BBC Sports Personality of the Year Awards 2009’ where he shockingly beat Jenson Button, to the dark horse in the ‘Manchester United’s Most Heavily Publicized and Scandalous Extra-Marital Affair Award’ narrowly beating Wayne Rooney, who still managed to bag both the, ‘Most Likely To Swear Into A Camera And Set A Bad Example To Your Kids Award’ and ‘Scorer Of The Most Over-Hyped Over-Head Kick In History Award’.

All this proves, is that football is taken far too seriously; it’s not an ambassador to how people should act or behave. Footballer’s shouldn’t have to be role-models, they play football because they enjoy it (if their pay-check hasn’t yet reached an audacious sum). Yet at the same time, they shouldn’t moan when the over-sensitive British public take offence. Perhaps they should revert the sport back to the amateur level. It won’t be long until Giggs will be too old to cut it at Manchester United, then he could do a Lineker and travel to play in Asia; clubs in North Korea would jump at the chance to welcome an ex-Manchester United star and luckily for Giggs there are also plenty of jobs going in the censorship and the more general, ‘Prevention of Personal Freedom’  (especially Freedom of Speech) industry. Sorted.

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Cheryl Cole gets a taste of the sack


Cheryl Cole today received a taste of the sack, only this time it was not that of  music mogul Simon Cowell. Who had helped engineer her transition from the girl you’d stay clear of in a night club to the woman successful enough for footballers to want to marry and then cheat on. Cheryl Cole’s American dream ended rather prematurely as TV bosses axed her from the American X-Factor after realizing that her Geordie twang is inaudible to anyone south of Tyne-side, let alone any Americans. Perhaps this is a good thing, as now she may be welcomed back with open arms to the British version of the show. Let’s not forget the prestigious talent she has discovered and nurtured in Britain. Who can forget Alexandra Burke; Britain’s answer to Beyoncé (after a few beers) or Joe McElderry who’s hit single, ‘The Climb’ was followed, almost immediately, by the fall.

Apparently, Nicole Scherzinger is rumored to be taking over the position initially held by Cole. This demonstrates quite a change in strategy for the X-Factor; using the only technically-able singer in, ‘The Pussy Cat Dolls’ to replace the only non-technically able singer in, ‘Girls Aloud’. American fans of the show are surely rejoicing at this change. Not only might they be spared the likes of Cher Lloyd and other similar, instantly dis-likable, so-called prodigies chosen by Cole. But Scherzinger has much sexier friends, in the rest of, ‘The Pussy Cat Dolls’ than Will.I.Am, resulting in the portion of the show in the judges houses being far more watchable – with the TV on mute of course.

Cole is said to be devastated about the whole thing, although I am sure not as devastated as I am, knowing that the British X-Factor won’t include Scherzinger but might include Cole.

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BAFTA’s and Honorary Degrees…


“It’s the equivalent of Susan Boyle winning FHM’s Sexiest Female”

“I am actually still waiting for my honorary Academy Award”

Two things have – now how can I say it politely, disappointed, me recently; the new wave of “reality” television comprising of, ‘The Only Way Is Essex’, ‘Geordie Shore’, and, ‘Made In Chelsea’  which basically points a camera at the problems in our society and markets it as “entertainment” and the discovery that people are awarded honorary degrees for nothing more than being famous.

‘The Only Way Is Essex’, in my opinion, has only served to spread the limited and to be quite honest, stupid, vocabulary uttered by the cast of the show, including gems such as, ‘Vejazzle'(?) and ‘Jel’. If I wanted to see the level of talent displayed in the show, I’d go to the zoo. Although, we mustn’t forget the quite innovative and eloquent genius that is the phrase, ‘Shut-up’ as popularized by Harry, who according to ITV2, has, ‘captured the heart of the nation.’ I’m still hoping that that’s a sick joke. However what undeniably is sick, is that this brand of “entertainment” is apparently BAFTA worthy. It’s the equivalent of Susan Boyle winning FHM’s Sexiest Female; completely undermining those that have won the accolade previously. This has sent a rather clear message to all past BAFTA winners – a fucking-massive middle finger . You may as well club yourself over the head with the award, for all it, and your achievements are now worth. They should do a one-off holiday show,’The Only Way Is Pyongyang’ where the cast travel to North Korea… and are left there. Kerry Katona can go too. Who knows, Kim Jung-Il could be a fan; he’s crazy enough to possibly enjoy it, with a little effort.

Also, I discovered that Orlando Bloom received an honorary degree by the University of Kent and more recently, Denzel Washington received one from the University of Pennsylvania. As a fully-committed university student, reading for one of them “proper” degrees, I am actually still waiting for my honorary Academy Award. As if the actors themselves care, they didn’t pursue a life at university because they earned money doing relatively little in front of a camera. Seemingly Orlando and Denzel warranted these degrees for their contribution to acting, I for one, am still wondering as to when Nick Clegg is due to receive his honorary degree from RADA for acting like he cared about university fees.

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